Out of the World FANTASIES

I've thinking about auditioning for a while already.
Last year i went to the SM auditions here in Hawaii and i was seriously nervous that my during my audition my voice totally gave up on me.
TT___TT I've regretted ever since.
I felt like such a failure that i acutally gave up on my dreams and gained weight

I still want to achieve my dreams but to me it seemed impossible after that audition.
I felt ugly and worthless.
But even though i stopped singing consistently I still have that urge to still forward and record some clips and that urge to become an idol still has not gone away.

Hearing about this years audition i really want a fair chance to showcase my Talent, but it seems like no major entertainment company, such as Sm JYP YG has been consistently coming to Hawaii.

Hawaii i feel has TONS of ASIANS.
NOT JOKING...lol
My school....at least 90% are asians.
either it be Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, MIX.

I'm planning to lose 20lbs...i know that sounds very desperate but at least I have that determination to look like a Victoria Secret model :DD Haha.
Plan on good songs which showcases my vocals?
Suggestions? Chinese, English, & Korean.
Try and work on my confidence and Stuttering D:
lol
If i have all of those...I'm sure i can do well and have that confidence.
:)
okay...Done with my ranting.
BTW...

I'm starting to have major crush on this celebrity: NICHKHUN. Haha
I'm beginning to feel those middle school memories flow back xD
When you have a crush on every single guy and celebrity and get all hyped up about ONE DAY you're going to get MARRIED and live happily ever after with them. Yeah Babee! B)
Well, I'm having one of those moments and I'm 17! :O
How mature of me....-.-;

But a girl can Dream right?! lol
The only thing I can do on this tiny island is to admire his individuality is through Youtube <_<; lol